How to FAIL your employment pre-screen personality test

Looking back, I suppose I have never been able to pass an employment pre-screen personality test.  Although, it wasn’t until my recent job hunt in OKC that this knowledge of my personality faux pas have surfaced again.  So, whilst in the middle of my job hunt (because it’s still fresh in my mind), I’ve decided to write a little cheatsheet to help other job seekers FAIL their personality tests.  Maybe one day, you can be as cool as me and have a 0:3262448 pass/fail ratio, too!

Answer all of the following (they will be reworded and asked multiple times, too) with TRUE:

I have known (or still know) people who have taken things they did not have permission to take.

Because what employer doesn’t want to know you’re associated with *gasp* thieves!  Doesn’t matter if you have never stolen anything in your life (those raisins and grapes at the grocery store don’t count)...as long as you associate with thieves, you’re on your way to failing your personality test.

I have known (or still know) people who have done illegal drugs.

Not to be confused with the people who are addicted to prescription drugs...those are okay!  Same principle as the prior question.  Sure, you may not have taken a hit off of that blunt...ever...but as long as you had or still have stoner friends, your personality test will go down the drain in no time!

I enjoy telling jokes or funny stories.

We all know that the corporate conglomerates can never employ someone with a sense of humor.  This one is sure to drag your score down.

SOMETIMES (emphasis mine) I don’t enjoy work.

In the employer’s eyes, “sometimes” means “all the time”, and surely they don’t want to admit that working for their company, whether you love it or not, can sometimes suck (because, let’s face it, work is work).  This will drop your score 6 points on a 1 point question.  I promise.

I am a private person.

Offices must have gossip.  It’s a must.  If you are a private person, what will they talk about instead of, um...I dunno...doing their jobs?  No points for you on this question.

I am a leader, not a follower.

Those same megacorps also want peons they can bully into doing anything they want for $7/hr...so make sure you show some backbone if you want to fail your test.

I have been outspoken (I’ve said what others wished they had the nerve to say).

Hello?  Peon?  If I have to tell you the answer to this, after telling you the answer to the question above, you deserve to pass your personality test, you fucking automaton droid!